Hating One’s Family
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Hating One’s Family
Herb Montgomery | September 6, 2025
If you’d like to listen to this week’s article in podcast version click on the image below:
Our reading this week is from the gospel of Luke:
Now large crowds were traveling with him; and he turned and said to them, “Whoever comes to me and does not hate father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters, yes, and even life itself, cannot be my disciple. Whoever does not carry the cross and follow me cannot be my disciple. For which of you, intending to build a tower, does not first sit down and estimate the cost, to see whether he has enough to complete it? Otherwise, when he has laid a foundation and is not able to finish, all who see it will begin to ridicule him, saying, ‘This fellow began to build and was not able to finish.’ Or what king, going out to wage war against another king, will not sit down first and consider whether he is able with ten thousand to oppose the one who comes against him with twenty thousand? If he cannot, then, while the other is still far away, he sends a delegation and asks for the terms of peace. So therefore, none of you can become my disciple if you do not give up all your possessions.” (Luke 14:25-33)
In my opinion, we would be hard-pressed to find a more dangerous passage in the gospels than the passage we’re reading this week. This passage has been used repeatedly to incite families to reject family members over religious differences. Someone in the family is an atheist? Shun them. Someone in the family believes differently? Label them as the bad apple. And God forbid, a child in an evangelical family realizes they are gay, lesbian, transgender, or bisexual? LGBTQ children in Christian families often face insurmountable challenges, particularly when their identities conflict with their family’s traditional religious beliefs. Many Christian faith communities subscribe to heteronormative values, heteronormative ways to interpret scriptures, and a heteronormative lens through which they navigate the world around them. Our reading this week, in this context, has led countless families to condemn and even reject their LGBTQ children. This rejection may come in the form of emotional distancing, forced conversion therapy, or even disowning, and such experiences can have devastating effects on a child’s mental health and lead to increased risks of depression, anxiety, and suicide. For LGBTQ youth, acceptance at home is crucial. When families choose love over exclusion, they create safe environments where their children can thrive, both in identity and faith. But when families choose to read this week’s passage in a way that affirms their biases and phobias, this passage becomes dangerous.
I have experience with what I’m writing about this week. My own extended family has led group actions against me in my faith community because they view my alliance with LGBTQ folks as heretical.
But Luke’s context is not choosing one’s religion or faith over loving and affirming a family member. The context is choosing justice and inclusion even when your privileged family rejects you for doing so. This passage is about times when standing up for those being rejected and shunned causes division from those who reject and shun others:
“I came to bring fire to the earth, and how I wish it were already kindled! I have a baptism with which to be baptized, and what stress I am under until it is completed! Do you think that I have come to bring peace to the earth? No, I tell you, but rather division! From now on five in one household will be divided, three against two and two against three; they will be divided:
father against son
and son against father,
mother against daughter
and daughter against mother,
mother-in-law against her daughter-in-law
and daughter-in-law against mother-in-law . . . ” (Luke 12:49-56, NRSV)
These verses describe division but it’s the kind of division caused when someone is standing up for the vulnerable and marginalized and receive negative pushback as a result. The passage encourages standing up for justice, compassion and the wellbeing of all, even if that brings you into conflict with others you have a relationship with, and even if that relationship is family. (For more, read When Justice Means Division.)
Combine this lesson with the other theme in Luke’s gospel: that family means something very different in Jesus’ society than it has come to mean in ours. Long before our hyper-individualistic, self-reliant form of capitalism, Jesus’ society had an economic system that revolved around the family. This is one reason why widows and fatherless children were so vulnerable to harm: in a patriarchal system, their economic survival depended on them being part of a family and the mutual resource sharing that their family represented (see Lamentations 5:3 and Caring for Those Outside the Tribe).
Luke 14 isn’t about hating family as we think about family today. It is about economics. Jesus wasn’t against family, but was critiquing the economic system of his day. Jesus called his followers away from the family-based economic system that harmed widows and fatherless children who had lost their patriarch, and pointed them to a community-based economic system rooted in access and acceptance, one where social safety nets took care of all in need whether they were family or not. In our passage this week, Jesus is calling his listeners to value their commitment to justice, inclusion, and equity above their commitment to their system of economic survival through family.
In Ched Myers’ book Binding the Strong Man: A Political Reading of Mark’s Story of Jesus, Myers writes, “Among members of a family, goods and services were freely given (full reciprocity)” (p. 48). Members of a clan or family would often give each other help, care, and gifts, but they also balanced giving with receiving. Members balanced reciprocity: receiving help and being expected to serve the family’s needs as well. In our reading this week, Jesus is calling his audience to stand with justice even when that stance potentially jeopardizes their connection to a family that is powerful, propertied, and privileged.
What I wish our reading this week did not include is the word “hate.” Jesus declares, “If anyone comes to me and does not hate father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters—yes, even their own life—such a person cannot be my disciple.” At first glance, this statement is shocking and appears contradictory to Jesus’ message of love and parental honor. However, many Biblical scholars and theologians interpret the phrase not as a literal command to hate, but as a Semitic expression of comparison.
In the cultural and linguistic context of the time, the word “hate” was often used hyperbolically to emphasize preference or priority, not emotional hostility. Jesus is making a radical claim: that loyalty to social justice must come before all other allegiances including the closest of human relationships, especially if those relationships offer us a level of privilege. It’s a call to total commitment where discipleship demands putting justice, love, compassion, and equity above every other cherished bond.
This teaching reflects the high cost of following Jesus’ vision for a safe, compassionate, just home for everyone in a world opposed to such. Jesus often warned that discipleship would divide families (cf. Luke 12:49-59), not because of hatred, but because devotion to him and his vision of a just society could lead to social and relational conflict. The “hatred” that Jesus references is therefore symbolic: it represents willingness to forsake all for the sake of the gospel.
Ultimately, the phrase challenges those on the side of justice to evaluate their priorities and confront the cost of true discipleship. It is not about rejecting family, but radically reordering love and loyalty and making justice, equity, compassion, and safety for all the supreme focus. In this light, the phrase becomes a powerful statement of commitment to a more just world in the face of potential rejection by a family upon whom our survival depends. It’s not a statement of cruelty or a call to reject family members if they don’t align with our religious beliefs. This difference may seem subtle, but it makes a world of difference in the work of justice.
Discussion Group Questions
1. Share something that spoke to you from this week’s podcast episode with your discussion group.
2. In what ways have you chosen to prioritize justice in your own life? Share and discuss with your group.
3. What can you do this week, big or small, to continue setting in motion the work of shaping our world into a safe, compassionate, just home for everyone?
Thanks for checking in with us, today.
I want to say a special thank you to all of our supporters out there. And if you would like to join them in supporting Renewed Heart Ministries’ work you can do so by going to renewedheartministries.com and clicking donate.
My latest book Finding Jesus: A Fundamentalist Preacher Discovers the Socio-Political and Economic Teachings of the Gospels is available now on Amazon in paperback, Kindle and also on Audible in audio book format.
As always, you can find Renewed Heart Ministries each week on Bluesky, Facebook, Instagram and Meta’s Threads. If you haven’t done so already, please follow us on your chosen social media platforms for our daily posts.
Thank you for listening to The Social Jesus Podcast. If you enjoyed this podcast please take a moment to like and subscribe and if the podcast platform you’re using offers this option, please leave us a positive review. This helps others find our podcast as well.
You can watch our YouTube show each week called “Just Talking”. Each week, Todd Leonard and I take a moment to talk about the gospel lectionary reading for the upcoming weekend. We’ll be talking about each reading in the context of love, inclusion, and social justice. Our hope is that our talking will be just talking (as in justice) and that during our brief conversations each week you’ll be inspired to also do more than just talking. If you teach from the lectionary each week, or if you’re just looking for some thoughts on the Jesus story from a more progressive perspective within the context of social justice, check it out, you might like it. You can find JustTalking each week on YouTube at youtube.com/@herbandtoddjusttalking.
Please Like, Subscribe, hit the Notification button, and leave us a comment.
And if you’d like to reach us here at Renewed Heart Ministries through email, you can reach us at info@renewedheartministries.com.
Right where you are, keep living in love, choosing compassion, taking action, and working toward justice.
I love each of you dearly,
I’ll see you next week.
New Episode of The Social Jesus Podcast
A podcast where we talk about the intersection of faith and social justice and what a first century, prophet of the poor from Galilee might have to offer us today in our work of love, compassion and justice.
This week:
Season 2 Episode 36: Hating One’s Family
Luke 14:25-33
“Luke’s context is not choosing one’s religion or faith over loving and affirming a family member. The context is choosing justice and inclusion even when your privileged family rejects you for doing so. This passage is about times when standing up for those being rejected and shunned causes division from those who reject and shun others. Jesus often warned that discipleship would divide families (cf. Luke 12:49-59), not because of hatred, but because devotion to him and his vision of a just society could lead to social and relational conflict. The “hatred” that Jesus references is therefore symbolic: it represents willingness to forsake all for the sake of a more just, present world. Ultimately, the phrase challenges those on the side of justice to evaluate their priorities and confront the cost of true discipleship. It is not about rejecting family, but radically reordering love and loyalty and making justice, equity, compassion, and safety for all the supreme focus. In this light, this hyperbolic phrase becomes a powerful statement of commitment to a more just world in the face of potential rejection by a family upon whom our survival depends. It’s not a statement of cruelty or a call to reject family members if they don’t align with our religious beliefs. This difference may seem subtle, but it makes a world of difference in the work of justice.”
Available on all major podcast carriers and at:
https://the-social-jesus-podcast.simplecast.com/episodes/hating-ones-family
Finding Jesus: A Fundamentalist Preacher Discovers the Socio-Political & Economic Teachings of the Gospels.
by Herb Montgomery
Available now on Amazon!
In Finding Jesus, author Herb Montgomery delves into the profound and often overlooked political dimensions of the gospels. Through meticulous analysis of biblical texts, historical context, and social discourse, this thought-provoking book unveils the gospels’ socio-political, economic teachings as rooted in a profound concern for justice, compassion, and the well-being of the marginalized. The book navigates the intersections between faith and societal justice, presenting a compelling argument for a more socially engaged and transformative Christianity.
Finding Jesus is not just a scholarly exploration; it is a call to action. It challenges readers to reevaluate their understanding of Christianity’s role in public life and to consider how the radical teachings of the gospels can inspire a renewed commitment to justice, equality, and compassion. This book is a must-read for those seeking a deeper understanding of the social implications of Christian faith and a blueprint for building a more just and inclusive society.
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Caring for Those Outside the Tribe
We want to take this moment to express our heartfelt gratitude to all of our supporters for your support of Renewed Heart Ministry’s work of love, justice, and compassion. At a time when ministries like ours are being asked to achieve more with fewer resources, your support is so deeply appreciated, and we want to simply say thank you. Whether in our larger society or within our local faith communities, Renewed Heart Ministries remains committed to advocating for change, working towards a world that is inclusive, just, and safe for everyone, and being a source of love. From all of us here at Renewed Heart Ministries, thank you for your generous support. We deeply appreciate you.
If you’d like to join them in supporting our work, please go to renewedheartministries.com and click on “Donate.”
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Caring for Those Outside the Tribe
Herb Montgomery | June 28, 2025
If you’d like to listen to this week’s article in podcast version click on the image below:
Our reading this week is from the gospel of Luke:
As the time approached for him to be taken up to heaven, Jesus resolutely set out for Jerusalem. And he sent messengers on ahead, who went into a Samaritan village to get things ready for him; but the people there did not welcome him, because he was heading for Jerusalem. When the disciples James and John saw this, they asked, “Lord, do you want us to call fire down from heaven to destroy them?” But Jesus turned and rebuked them. Then he and his disciples went to another village.
As they were walking along the road, a man said to him, “I will follow you wherever you go.” Jesus replied, “Foxes have dens and birds have nests, but the Son of Man has no place to lay his head.”
He said to another man, “Follow me.” But he replied, “Lord, first let me go and bury my father.”Jesus said to him, “Let the dead bury their own dead, but you go and proclaim the kingdom of God.”
Still another said, “I will follow you, Lord; but first let me go back and say goodbye to my family.” Jesus replied, “No one who puts a hand to the plow and looks back is fit for service in the kingdom of God.” (Luke 9:51-62)
This passage was formative in helping me question who western Christianity labels as having rejected Jesus. I grew up being taught that if you don’t accept Jesus as your savior, if you reject Jesus and his offer of salvation, God would send you to hell after you died and you would burn forever and ever and ever.
I know today that only some sectors of Christianity have taught what I was taught. There have always been differing beliefs about what happens to those who “reject Jesus” in this life, and that’s a whole discussion in itself. What I’ve learned through the years is that before Christianity became wedded to the Roman empire, eternal burning after death was a minority belief. Most Christians before Constantine were actually universalists, and our reading this week was a part of the myriad of scriptures that informed their belief.
Notice that in in the beginning of this week’s lectionary reading, an entire village rejects Jesus because of his association with Jerusalem and the hatred that existed between certain Samaritans and Judeans during that time. James and John respond to those villagers like might today: “Should we call down fire from heaven and destroy them?” Jesus rebukes them. Also notice that James and John only asked whether the village should be annihilated. Eternal torment goes even further than annihilation. And yet the disciples still earned a rebuke and the declaration that they didn’t know what spirit they were actually of.
For those curious, early Christians had three major views about what would happen to a person who rejected Jesus in the next life. The minority views were that these people would face eternal torment or simply cease to be. The majority of Jesus followers believed that all people would eventually be restored. They were hopeful universalists.
Today we also have the reality that many Christians conflate rejecting Jesus with rejecting Christianity. Today, some Christians don’t believe in turning the other cheek themselves, much less a God who would do so. Today, a multitude of Christians are looking forward to their enemies being destroyed or tormented. This way of looking at our world and those with whom we share our world can only leech into other areas of our lives. Christians have often shown that attitude in the way they have historically viewed and related to those different from them. Whether in relating to those of other religions, across racial and cultural differences, or across differences in gender or sexuality, many Christians have struggled to relate to differences in life-giving ways. Our passage this week challenges us to consider our spirit when we relate to those different from ourselves.
Next, having removed threat as a motive for following Jesus, we encounter three characteristics of what it means to follow the Jesus of these stories. Jesus first comments on his homelessness.
This epigram is reminiscent of the Cynic philosophers who probably wandered about Galilee in Jesus’ day. The Cynics, who taught by precept and example, were noted for the simple life: they went about barefooted, often with long hair, with a single garment, and frequently slept on the ground. Cynicism was a school of Greek philosophy founded in the fifth century B.C.E. by a pupil of Socrates. It lasted for a thousand years and was widely influential. Cynics typically wore threadbare cloaks, and carried begging bags and staffs. These spartan figures lived life at its simplest-without house, family, bed, undershirt, or utensil. (The Five Gospels, Robert W. Funk, p. 316)
The Cynics may have embraced a simple way of living out of philosophical disagreements with the society around them, but there is a difference between their lifestyle and the one Jesus lived in the gospels. Whereas Cynics were seeking independence, Jesus drew attention to our dependence on one another. We need each other to survive. We are connected to each other, a part of one another, whether we want to be connected or not. Jesus’ statement was also an act of solidarity with poor people forced to live this way too. Cynics choose to live like this. Poverty forced others to.
In the last two parts of the passage, we encounter a man who wants to bury one of his parents and another who wants to say goodbye to their family, both before following Jesus. From our perspective today, it seems Jesus is telling potential followers to value family ties less than their commitment to following Jesus. In our hyper-individualistic society today, valuing following Jesus above family ties misses the cultural context of this passage. Many Christians today sacrifice their family in following Jesus and miss the point of the passage entirely.
Luke 9 isn’t about family as we think about it today as much as it is about economics. Jesus wasn’t against family. He did critique the economic system of his day, which made a person’s economic survival directly dependent on the family system they belonged to. Jesus called his followers away from the family-based economic system that led to the harms widows and the fatherless who had lost their patriarch faced to a community-based economic system rooted in access and acceptance, one where social safety nets took care of all who were in need whether they were family or not.
In Ched Myer’s book Binding the Strong Man: A Political Reading of Mark’s Story of Jesus, Myers states, “Among members of a family, goods and services were freely given (full reciprocity).” (Carney, p. 48). Among the members of a clan or family, help, care and gifts would be often given; but an attention was also given to maintaining a balanced a balance on receiving from those to whom the help was given, as well. This was a form of balanced reciprocity: receiving help but expected to serve the family’s needs, as well. Jesu called his followers to care for those outside the tribe. In Jesus’ vision of the kingdom, mutuality would not end at family tribal lines, but rather envelope the entire community.
To understand Jesus’ deprioritizing family ties in gospels in a life giving way, we must understand these portions of the Jesus story in their cultural economic setting, not the nuclear family model that is prevalent today. Jesus was calling for a new economy, the economy of “the kingdom” mentioned in Acts 2-4, where poverty was eliminated not just within a family but across the entire Jesus community.
Where does this leave us today? Not belittling family ties, but working for economic justice. Wealth inequality continues to widen globally. Many workers struggle to earn a living wage, while a small percentage hold disproportionate economic power. Fair access to education, healthcare, and employment opportunities remains uneven, particularly for marginalized communities. Rising costs of housing and basic needs further strain low- and middle-income families. Economic justice calls for policies that ensure fair wages, progressive taxation, and affordable healthcare. It also involves addressing systemic barriers rooted in race, class, sexual orientation, gender identity, and more. In today’s world, achieving economic justice means creating an economy that prioritizes human dignity, shared prosperity, and the common good over excessive profit and unchecked corporate power.
The family based economic system of Jesus’ day created vast wealth for some but economic hardship and poverty for many others. Today, we can take a page from Jesus’ critique and work for economic justice for everyone in our society.
Discussion Group Questions
1. Share something that spoke to you from this week’s podcast episode with your discussion group.
2. What would a society where we are committed to making sure everyone has enough to thrive look like to you? Share and discuss with your group.
3. What can you do this week, big or small, to continue setting in motion the work of shaping our world into a safe, compassionate, just home for everyone?
Thanks for checking in with us, today.
I want to say a special thank you to all of our supporters out there. And if you would like to join them in supporting Renewed Heart Ministries’ work you can do so by going to renewedheartministries.com and clicking donate.
My latest book Finding Jesus: A Fundamentalist Preacher Discovers the Socio-Political and Economic Teachings of the Gospels is available now on Amazon in paperback, Kindle and also on Audible in audio book format.
As always, you can find Renewed Heart Ministries each week on Bluesky, Facebook, Instagram and Meta’s Threads. If you haven’t done so already, please follow us on your chosen social media platforms for our daily posts.
Thank you for listening to The Social Jesus Podcast. If you enjoyed this podcast please take a moment to like and subscribe and if the podcast platform you’re using offers this option, please leave us a positive review. This helps others find our podcast as well.
You can watch our YouTube show each week called “Just Talking”. Each week, Todd Leonard and I take a moment to talk about the gospel lectionary reading for the upcoming weekend. We’ll be talking about each reading in the context of love, inclusion, and social justice. Our hope is that our talking will be just talking (as in justice) and that during our brief conversations each week you’ll be inspired to also do more than just talking. If you teach from the lectionary each week, or if you’re just looking for some thoughts on the Jesus story from a more progressive perspective within the context of social justice, check it out, you might like it. You can find JustTalking each week on YouTube at youtube.com/@herbandtoddjusttalking.
Please Like, Subscribe, hit the Notification button, and leave us a comment.
And if you’d like to reach us here at Renewed Heart Ministries through email, you can reach us at info@renewedheartministries.com.
Right where you are, keep living in love, choosing compassion, taking action, and working toward justice.
I love each of you dearly,
I’ll see you next week.
New Episode of “Just Talking” Now Online!
Lectionary Readings in the context of Love, Inclusion, & Social Justice
Season 3, Episode 17: Luke 9.51-62. Lectionary C, Proper 8
Each week, we’ll discuss the gospel lectionary reading for the upcoming weekend in the context of love, inclusion, and justice. We hope that our talking will be “just” talking (as in justice) and that we’ll be inspired to do more than “just talking” during our brief conversations each week.
If you teach from the lectionary each week, or if you’re just looking for some thoughts on the Jesus story from a more progressive perspective within the context of social justice, check it out.
New Episode of The Social Jesus Podcast
A podcast where we talk about the intersection of faith and social justice and what a first century, prophet of the poor from Galilee might have to offer us today in our work of love, compassion and justice.
This week:
Season 2 Episode 26: Caring for Those Outside the Tribe
Luke 9:51-62
“Where does this leave us today? Not belittling family ties, but working for economic justice. Wealth inequality continues to widen globally. Many workers struggle to earn a living wage, while a small percentage hold disproportionate economic power. Fair access to education, healthcare, and employment opportunities remains uneven, particularly for marginalized communities. Rising costs of housing and basic needs further strain low- and middle-income families. Economic justice calls for policies that ensure fair wages, progressive taxation, and affordable healthcare. It also involves addressing systemic barriers rooted in race, class, sexual orientation, gender identity, and more. In today’s world, achieving economic justice means creating an economy that prioritizes human dignity, shared prosperity, and the common good over excessive profit and unchecked corporate power. The family based economic system of Jesus’ day created vast wealth for some but economic hardship and poverty for many others. Today, we can take a page from Jesus’ critique and work for economic justice for everyone in our society.”
Available on all major podcast carriers and at:
https://the-social-jesus-podcast.simplecast.com/episodes/caring-for-those-outside-the-tribe
Finding Jesus: A Fundamentalist Preacher Discovers the Socio-Political & Economic Teachings of the Gospels.
by Herb Montgomery
Available now on Amazon!
In Finding Jesus, author Herb Montgomery delves into the profound and often overlooked political dimensions of the gospels. Through meticulous analysis of biblical texts, historical context, and social discourse, this thought-provoking book unveils the gospels’ socio-political, economic teachings as rooted in a profound concern for justice, compassion, and the well-being of the marginalized. The book navigates the intersections between faith and societal justice, presenting a compelling argument for a more socially engaged and transformative Christianity.
Finding Jesus is not just a scholarly exploration; it is a call to action. It challenges readers to reevaluate their understanding of Christianity’s role in public life and to consider how the radical teachings of the gospels can inspire a renewed commitment to justice, equality, and compassion. This book is a must-read for those seeking a deeper understanding of the social implications of Christian faith and a blueprint for building a more just and inclusive society.
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Rejection For Doing What Is Right
Herb Montgomery | September 2, 2022
To listen to this week’s eSight as a podcast episode click here.
“If your religion causes you to feel like you must reject your lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, gender non-binary, queer, or questioning kid, please find a different expression of your faith. Run; don’t walk. Don’t accept any expression of religion that calls you to reject your own children.”
Our reading this week is from the gospel of Luke:
Now large crowds were traveling with him; and he turned and said to them, “Whoever comes to me and does not hate father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters, yes, and even life itself, cannot be my disciple. Whoever does not carry the cross and follow me cannot be my disciple. For which of you, intending to build a tower, does not first sit down and estimate the cost, to see whether he has enough to complete it? Otherwise, when he has laid a foundation and is not able to finish, all who see it will begin to ridicule him, saying, ‘This fellow began to build and was not able to finish.’ Or what king, going out to wage war against another king, will not sit down first and consider whether he is able with ten thousand to oppose the one who comes against him with twenty thousand? If he cannot, then, while the other is still far away, he sends a delegation and asks for the terms of peace. So therefore, none of you can become my disciple if you do not give up all your possessions. (Luke 14:25-33)
I’m not a fan of this week’s passage. It has been used to abuse and scapegoat marginalized people, and, too often, to justify parents rejecting their LGBTQ kids.
As Patrick Cheng correctly notes:
Many LGBT people were scapegoated by our peers growing up because we did not fit within the typical gender norms . . . Indeed, some of us may have been bullied by classmates in school not because we did anything wrong, but rather because we were perceived as being different or “outsiders.” The issue of anti-LGBT bullying and scapegoating has taken on a particular urgency in light of the horrific string of suicides in the United States in the fall of 2010 of young men (some as young as thirteen) who were tormented by their classmates because they were—or were perceived to be—gay . . . In many ways, queer people today can be seen as scapegoats of the larger society. In other words, society often channels its repressed violence—either metaphorically or literally—toward LGBT people, who are seen as different or as “outsiders” as a result of our marginalized sexualities and/or gender identities. As such, we are often the target of discrimination, and sometimes even violence, for the sake of preserving order in society. (Patrick S. Cheng, Radical Love, p. 94-95)
In our society, Christians have been among the worst offenders. Too often the stained glass windows of our church communities amplify the bigotry in the rest of society. And readings like this week’s are used by parents rejecting their LGBTQ kids while feeling as if God is calling them to do so.
Parents: if your religion causes you to feel like you must reject your lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, gender non-binary, queer, or questioning kid, please find a different expression of your faith. Run; don’t walk. Don’t accept any expression of religion that calls you to reject your own children.
Because there is another way to interpret this week’s passage: to prioritize working for a safe, compassionate, just world for everyone, especially those presently marginalized, and to value that above the acceptance of bigoted family members. (If you don’t have bigoted family members, you’re one of the lucky ones.)
Crystal and I have both gone through years of silence and rejection from family members due to our positions on anti-racism, LGBTQ inclusion and affirmation, gender justice, ecological justice, economic justice and other values.
It hurts to be rejected or to be spoken evilly against by extended relatives who raised you. It hurts to be shut out and viewed as dangerous. Crystal and I both have family members who believe that God will ultimately reject and destroy those they think believe or practice “the wrong thing.” It’s little wonder that in worshiping a God who will ultimately do such things, they feel justified and even encouraged to practice that level of rejection with us today.
Part of me feels sorry for them. I know that their behavior is motivated by self-preservation: not wanting to be associated with us so that their God doesn’t reject them too. Part of me is angry at the bigotry that prevents them from waking up to how intrinsically harmful their religious paradigm is. They miss the red-flag warning because a rejecting God resonates with their own prejudices and worldview. And part of me just hurts about it all. Rejection always hurts, but especially from people you care about and love.
This week’s reading calls us to recognize that facing rejection may be part of our journey following Jesus. It’s a cost we should be aware of before we embark on that journey. Our society pushes some people to the margins the way Jesus’ society pushed him out, and we can expect the same treatment. This was a cost I did not consider in my own life, and it was all the more painful as a result.
Jesus’ last phrase describes the context of this passage: “None of you can become my disciple if you do not give up all your possessions.”
This saying is about much more than possessions. It’s also about relationships.
In Jesus’ society, the family was the center of the economy. If you had no family, you didn’t exist politically, economically, or socially. So in these stories, Jesus is confronting the social structures of his own society, structures that benefitted some families above others and at those others’ expense. Those who were benefitting from that way of organizing society didn’t want society to change. They didn’t perceive the change Jesus described as good news but as something to be resisted at every step, even if that meant rejecting a family member who was calling for change. If Jesus’ 1st Century followers had their family reject them for following his vision of organizing our world without marginalization, that rejection had deep economic implications. And if their well-to-do families rejected them, this week’s reading calls us to count the cost and understand what we are signing up for, too.
This is what it means to carry one’s cross. Remember, carrying a cross is not passively accepting injustice or abuse. The Romans used the cross to scare people into not speaking out, not standing up. Jesus was put on a cross because he refused to passively accept an unjust reality. His temple protest is just one example.
How does this apply to us today?
Following Jesus today includes speaking out against social injustices, too. We may also face “crosses” that the powers that be threaten us with. Our reading this week calls us to consider speaking out anyway.
Resist. Get into good trouble. Speak out. Don’t remain silent.
Today our families may reject us using scare words like “socialist” or “communist” or “progressive” or “liberal.” That’s okay. Our reading this week encourages us to recognize ahead of time that we may face negative feedback from those who are benefiting from the systems of this world, even when they are our relatives. Working for a more compassionate, just, and safe world for everyone is hard work, and I believe it’s worth it. We can still be honest about how hard it actually is. We can use these difficulties as waymarks to remind us that we are in the right story. Rather than discouraging us and causing us to quit, these difficulties can spur us to keep pressing on, leaning into the work.
Justice is a touchstone for ensuring that we are interpreting our readings in a life giving way. Is family rejection part of our story because we’re standing up for justice? Then we are in the right story. Are we rejecting a family member because they are different? That is unjust and not the story Jesus calls us to.
Our reading this week doesn’t just call us to count the cost.It also calls us to recognize that if we are being rejected for doing what it right, we do not bear responsibility. We need not blame ourselves for being rejected by our families because we are different or because we are standing up for those who are different. Rejection, unfortunately, may be part of our work of working for a just world.
Count that cost, and work for justice nonetheless.
HeartGroup Application
1. Share something that spoke to you from this week’s eSight/Podcast episode with your HeartGroup.
2. Share an experience where also faced rejection for standing up for others being harmed. Discuss with your group.
3. What can you do this week, big or small, to continue setting in motion the work of shaping our world into a safe, compassionate, just home for everyone?
Thanks for checking in with us, today.
Right where you are, keep living in love, choosing compassion, taking action, and working toward justice.
I love each of you dearly,
I’ll see you next week
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Hating One’s Family
by Herb Montgomery
“We don’t have to reject members of our own family. Rather, this week’s saying tells us that when we do take a stand for justice, we may be rejected by mother, father, daughter, son, brother, or sister, and we should stand up anyway.”
Featured Text:
“The one who‚ does not hate father and mother cannot be my disciple; and the one who does not hate son and daughter cannot be my disciple.” —Q 14:26
Companion Texts:
Matthew 10:37: “Anyone who loves their father or mother more than me is not worthy of me; anyone who loves their son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me.”
Luke 14:26: “If anyone comes to me and does not hate father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters—yes, even their own life—such a person cannot be my disciple.”
Gospel of Thomas 55: “Jesus says: ‘Whoever does not hate his father and his mother cannot become a disciple of mine. And whoever does not hate his brothers and his sisters (and) will not take up his cross as I do, will not be worthy of me.’”
Gospel of Thomas 101:1-2: “Whoever does not hate his father and his mother as I do will not be able to be a disciple of mine. And whoever does not love his father and his mother as I do will not be able to be a disciple of mine.”
Of all the sayings of Jesus that I dislike and could be most easily misunderstood, misused, or abused, this week’s saying tops my list. I don’t like it at all. I’ve seen too many young people, especially LGBTQ young people, thrown out of their homes and cut off or shunned by their family on the basis of this week’s saying to have fond feelings about it. Whatever the saying, one must always judge its ethic on its fruit. What is the fruit of practicing one’s interpretation of the saying—life or death? If the fruit of your interpretation is death, I say change your interpretation!
What could Jesus have been thinking as he gave this teaching and made hate a core part of what it meant to follow him?
First, let’s understand that the socio-economic context of this saying is very different than our context today. We in the modern West belong to very individualistic societies. Socially and economically, we are individualists, not communalists. For middle-to-upper class people, there are retirement programs, insurance policies, and other programs and vehicles for one to take care of oneself rather than need a world where people take care of people.
These economic structures are designed to work as each individual seeks their own self-interest. Those at the top of society have structured the world to benefit them, and every act of those at the bottom of society does benefit those at the top. People desperate enough to become dependent on the system will work their lives away to survive, and their survival makes those at the top who benefit from their labor very wealthy.
In the 1st Century, Judea and Galilee was more communal. People in that region practiced a redistributive and reciprocal economy. Redistributive economies are economies where third parties (kings or aristocracies) collect the surplus from producers and then distribute that surplus to others who are not producers. This third party typically redistributes by directing and controlling labor, taxing people, or having officials make decisions rather than the people themselves. An example is an economy where rural producers feed urban dwellers. Redistribution can be done justly or unjustly: the book of Acts characterizes the early church as a redistribute economy based on voluntary giving, whereas the gospels characterize the Temple as a redistributive economy based on taxation and market selling.
Reciprocal economies are different. These types of economies are where those who belong to families or even communities freely give goods or services to each other. Yet as these gifts are given, community members keep an eye on the general ebb and flow of giving to make sure there is balance or fairness. People eventually become characterized as givers or takers. Those who give much are entitled to receive back, while those who are known to be takers are eventually starved out.
Families, in Jesus’ Jewish culture, especially in rural Galilee, practiced a more reciprocal economy. Jerusalem, through taxation, practiced a more redistributive economy. So when the gospels portray Jesus as saying, “The one who‚ does not hate father and mother cannot be my disciple; and the one who does not hate son and daughter cannot be my disciple,” this saying involved the economic aspects of these relationships.
If following Jesus caused a person to lose economic support from their parents or their children, Jesus asks his followers to prioritize his vision for society: everyone is taken care of based on their needs, not based on their family’s, clan’s or tribe’s reciprocal system.
So perhaps Jesus’ saying was much more about communal economics than individual relationships with one’s family or tribe. Ched Myers explains the connection:
“It is important to recognize that in antiquity, much more so than today, the social fabric of the rural extend family was bound to the workplace. Thus the break demanded by Jesus is not only with economic but social security as well.” (in Binding the Strong Man: a political reading of Mark’s story of Jesus, p. 132)
But what if that interpretation isn’t the whole story? What if Jesus actually was telling us to hate our parents or children for not lining up with what we deem is morally appropriate? Should we hate our moms, dads, or kids because Jesus told us to?
Religiously fueled hatred or cold-hearted rejection of one’s own family has a long history in our sacred text. In Deuteronomy we find this command against daughters believed to not be virgins:
“If, however, the charge is true and no proof of the young woman’s virginity can be found, she shall be brought to the door of her father’s house and there the men of her town shall stone her to death. She has done an outrageous thing in Israel by being promiscuous while still in her father’s house. You must purge the evil from among you.” (Deuteronomy 22:20)
This passage reflects the authors’ unjust patriarchal economy that relegated women to the level of property. Yet we must also be clear. It would be wrong for me as a father to read Deuteronomy’s injunction and seek to apply it to my children. There is no way around it. Our interpretations of our sacred texts must be held subject to love, compassion, and their fruit in our lives. As a friend of mine, Alicia Johnston, recently shared with me, “All teachings must be harmonized with love and compassion. Teachings that are inherently damaging, unhealthy, or unloving, cannot make people’s lives better. They, inherently, are not gospel.”
As we covered in Children against Parents, Matthew’s context is telling because it’s not the Jesus follower who is rejecting their family, but the family that is rejecting the Jesus follower. It makes much more sense to interpret this week’s saying as Jesus calling his followers to prioritize participating in his revolution over the rejection of family members. Matthew borrows from the Hebrew scriptures:
“For a son dishonors his father,
a daughter rises up against her mother,
a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law—
a man’s enemies are the members of his own household.” (Micah 7.6)
The social location of the intended audience for this week’s saying really does make a difference. Is this saying telling parents to reject their children (or vice versa) who do not align with their definition of right and wrong? Or does this saying tell children who are being rejected by their parents (or vice versa) to remain committed to following Jesus’ revolution even in the face of such rejection?
Again, we don’t have to reject members of our own family. Rather, this week’s saying tells us that when we do take a stand for justice, we may be rejected by mother, father, daughter, son, brother, or sister, and we should stand up anyway.
Standing with and speaking out alongside the vulnerable often creates conflict, and often it’s conflict within one’s own family. (I know something of this myself.) I don’t believe that this suffering is good and I don’t believe that we must pass through fire and sword to get to a world that is safe, just, and compassionate for everyone.
I do believe that when those threatened by a just world do raise their swords or threaten us with a cross, we should stand up anyway, even if those opposing us are relatives. We are not to patiently submit. Rather, we are to take hold of life and, following Jesus, resist.
This is the only interpretation of this week’s saying that makes sense to me. More hate will not heal the world. Prioritizing a just, safe, and compassionate world over systems of domination and privilege, even if those at the helm of such systems are one’s own family, makes much more sense. I still would not have used the word “hate” as these translators did. But then again, I’m reading this saying two millennia and cultures away from its original time and place.
What can we glean from this week’s saying?
Reclaim your own humanity and stand alongside others who are reclaiming theirs. As we have stated so often, we are each other’s fate.
I choose to see this week’s saying as a matter, not of hate, but of priority. The difference may be subtle, but we don’t need more hate. We need compassion, justice, and equity. We don’t need more silence, even if those pressuring us to be silent are our family members. We don’t need more “submissive patience.” Take a strong position for yourself, for compassion and justice, even if that stand puts you at odds with those you still hold dear. I know it’s not easy.
“The one who‚ does not hate father and mother cannot be my disciple; and the one who does not hate son and daughter cannot be my disciple.” (Q 14:26)
HeartGroup Application
On August 16, 1967, at the 11th Convention of the Southern Christian Leadership Conference in Atlanta, GA, Martin Luther King, Jr. delivered the address, ”Where Do We Go From Here?” In this address he made the now famous declaration:
“Through violence you may murder a hater, but you can’t murder hate through violence. Darkness cannot put out darkness; only light can do that. And I say to you, I have also decided to stick with love, for I know that love is ultimately the only answer to mankind’s problems. And I’m going to talk about it everywhere I go. I know it isn’t popular to talk about it in some circles today. And I’m not talking about emotional bosh when I talk about love; I’m talking about a strong, demanding love. For I have seen too much hate. I’ve seen too much hate on the faces of sheriffs in the South. I’ve seen hate on the faces of too many Klansmen and too many White Citizens Councilors in the South to want to hate, myself, because every time I see it, I know that it does something to their faces and their personalities, and I say to myself that hate is too great a burden to bear. I have decided to love. If you are seeking the highest good, I think you can find it through love.”
In the excellent piece God So Loved the World?, Parker and Brown remind us, “It is not acceptance of suffering that gives life; it is commitment to life that gives life. The question, moreover, is not, Am I willing to suffer? but Do I desire fully to live? ….If you believe that acceptance of suffering gives life, then your resources for confronting perpetrators of violence and abuse will be numbed.”
Next week we will discuss Jesus’ saying to take up our crosses. In Christianity, European and North American theologies have mostly interpreted this saying as calling us to passive acceptance of suffering. We’ll be discussing different ways that some oppressed communities have interpreted this saying.
In light of this week, and in preparation for next,
- What does it mean for you to insist on compassion and justice even when those closest to you would rather you remain silent?
- Share with your group an experience where you had to prioritize justice and compassion over the pressure you felt from people you cared about deeply.
- How can your group support each other when one of your group is experiencing pushback as a result of standing up for compassion and justice?
In a world that benefits some at the expense of others, it’s not always easy to hold up the vision of a world where justice, violence and oppression are put right. It’s even more difficult when doing so is compounded by rejection from those you care for. In moments like these, we need each other.
Wherever this finds you this week, right where you are, choose love, not hate. Choose a life of compassion and justice. Remember, you’re not alone. We are in this together, till the only world that remains is a world where only love reigns.
For all of you who are in or near the Asheville, N.C. area, registration for our free event this August 4-5 is now open! Find out more about this event at http://bit.ly/SayingsOfJesusAsheville.
Space is limited. We are using Eventbrite to make it super easy for you to register and reserve your place. Our Eventbrite page is:
The location is:
First Congregational United Church of Christ
20 Oak Street
Asheville, NC 28802
The session dates and times are:
Session 1: Friday evening, August 4 at 7 p.m.
Session 2: Saturday afternoon, August 5 at 2 p.m.
Session 3: Saturday evening, August 5 at 7 p.m.
Light refreshments will be served, and there will be discussion time at the end of each session.
We are so excited to be moving forward with our first 500:25:1 event. We’ll keep you posted on where we’ll be teaching next!
Remember we are taking requests for weekends all across the nation. You can request a weekend in your area at http://bit.ly/RHMSeminar Find out more about these events at http://bit.ly/RHM500251 and learn how you, too, can participate in making these events happen.
To fund our new events, go to http://bit.ly/RHM500Support.
Remember, if you are in the Asheville area, make sure you register at http://bit.ly/SayingsOfJesusAsheville. Space will be filling up quickly.
I love each of you dearly.
Thanks for checking in with us.
I’ll see you next week.
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