Hating One’s Family

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Hating One’s Family

Herb Montgomery | September 6, 2025

If you’d like to listen to this week’s article in podcast version click on the image below:

Our reading this week is from the gospel of Luke:

Now large crowds were traveling with him; and he turned and said to them, “Whoever comes to me and does not hate father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters, yes, and even life itself, cannot be my disciple. Whoever does not carry the cross and follow me cannot be my disciple. For which of you, intending to build a tower, does not first sit down and estimate the cost, to see whether he has enough to complete it? Otherwise, when he has laid a foundation and is not able to finish, all who see it will begin to ridicule him, saying, ‘This fellow began to build and was not able to finish.’ Or what king, going out to wage war against another king, will not sit down first and consider whether he is able with ten thousand to oppose the one who comes against him with twenty thousand? If he cannot, then, while the other is still far away, he sends a delegation and asks for the terms of peace. So therefore, none of you can become my disciple if you do not give up all your possessions.” (Luke 14:25-33)

In my opinion, we would be hard-pressed to find a more dangerous passage in the gospels than the passage we’re reading this week. This passage has been used repeatedly to incite families to reject family members over religious differences. Someone in the family is an atheist? Shun them. Someone in the family believes differently? Label them as the bad apple. And God forbid, a child in an evangelical family realizes they are gay, lesbian, transgender, or bisexual? LGBTQ children in Christian families often face insurmountable challenges, particularly when their identities conflict with their family’s traditional religious beliefs. Many Christian faith communities subscribe to heteronormative values, heteronormative ways to interpret scriptures, and a heteronormative lens through which they navigate the world around them. Our reading this week, in this context, has led countless families to condemn and even reject their LGBTQ children. This rejection may come in the form of emotional distancing, forced conversion therapy, or even disowning, and such experiences can have devastating effects on a child’s mental health and lead to increased risks of depression, anxiety, and suicide. For LGBTQ youth, acceptance at home is crucial. When families choose love over exclusion, they create safe environments where their children can thrive, both in identity and faith. But when families choose to read this week’s passage in a way that affirms their biases and phobias, this passage becomes dangerous. 

I have experience with what I’m writing about this week. My own extended family has led group actions against me in my faith community because they view my alliance with LGBTQ folks as heretical. 

But Luke’s context is not choosing one’s religion or faith over loving and affirming a family member. The context is choosing justice and inclusion even when your privileged family rejects you for doing so. This passage is about times when standing up for those being rejected and shunned causes division from those who reject and shun others:

“I came to bring fire to the earth, and how I wish it were already kindled! I have a baptism with which to be baptized, and what stress I am under until it is completed! Do you think that I have come to bring peace to the earth? No, I tell you, but rather division! From now on five in one household will be divided, three against two and two against three; they will be divided:

father against son

and son against father,

mother against daughter

and daughter against mother,

mother-in-law against her daughter-in-law

and daughter-in-law against mother-in-law . . . ” (Luke 12:49-56, NRSV) 

These verses describe division but it’s the kind of division caused when someone is standing up for the vulnerable and marginalized and receive negative pushback as a result. The passage encourages standing up for justice, compassion and the wellbeing of all, even if that brings you into conflict with others you have a relationship with, and even if that relationship is family. (For more, read When Justice Means Division.)

Combine this lesson with the other theme in Luke’s gospel: that family means something very different in Jesus’ society than it has come to mean in ours. Long before our hyper-individualistic, self-reliant form of capitalism, Jesus’ society had an economic system that revolved around the family. This is one reason why widows and fatherless children were so vulnerable to harm: in a patriarchal system, their economic survival depended on them being part of a family and the mutual resource sharing that their family represented (see Lamentations 5:3 and Caring for Those Outside the Tribe).

Luke 14 isn’t about hating family as we think about family today. It is about economics. Jesus wasn’t against family, but was critiquing the economic system of his day. Jesus called his followers away from the family-based economic system that harmed widows and fatherless children who had lost their patriarch, and pointed them to a community-based economic system rooted in access and acceptance, one where social safety nets took care of all in need whether they were family or not. In our passage this week, Jesus is calling his listeners to value their commitment to justice, inclusion, and equity above their commitment to their system of economic survival through family.

In Ched Myers’ book Binding the Strong Man: A Political Reading of Mark’s Story of Jesus, Myers writes, “Among members of a family, goods and services were freely given (full reciprocity)” (p. 48). Members of a clan or family would often give each other help, care, and gifts, but they also balanced giving with  receiving. Members balanced reciprocity: receiving help and being expected to serve the family’s needs as well. In our reading this week, Jesus is calling his audience to stand with justice even when that stance potentially jeopardizes their connection to a family that is powerful, propertied, and privileged.

What I wish our reading this week did not include is the word “hate.” Jesus declares, “If anyone comes to me and does not hate father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters—yes, even their own life—such a person cannot be my disciple.” At first glance, this statement is shocking and appears contradictory to Jesus’ message of love and parental honor. However, many Biblical scholars and theologians interpret the phrase not as a literal command to hate, but as a Semitic expression of comparison.

In the cultural and linguistic context of the time, the word “hate” was often used hyperbolically to emphasize preference or priority, not emotional hostility. Jesus is making a radical claim: that loyalty to social justice must come before all other allegiances including the closest of human relationships, especially if those relationships offer us a level of privilege. It’s a call to total commitment where discipleship demands putting justice, love, compassion, and equity above every other cherished bond.

This teaching reflects the high cost of following Jesus’ vision for a safe, compassionate, just home for everyone in a world opposed to such. Jesus often warned that discipleship would divide families (cf. Luke 12:49-59), not because of hatred, but because devotion to him and his vision of a just society could lead to social and relational conflict. The “hatred” that Jesus references is therefore symbolic: it represents willingness to forsake all for the sake of the gospel.

Ultimately, the phrase challenges those on the side of justice to evaluate their priorities and confront the cost of true discipleship. It is not about rejecting family, but radically reordering love and loyalty and making justice, equity, compassion, and safety for all the supreme focus. In this light, the phrase becomes a powerful statement of commitment to a more just world in the face of potential rejection by a family upon whom our survival depends. It’s not a statement of cruelty or a call to reject family members if they don’t align with our religious beliefs. This difference may seem subtle, but it makes a world of difference in the work of justice. 

Discussion Group Questions

1. Share something that spoke to you from this week’s podcast episode with your discussion group.

2. In what ways have you chosen to prioritize justice in your own life? Share and discuss with your group.

3. What can you do this week, big or small, to continue setting in motion the work of shaping our world into a safe, compassionate, just home for everyone? 

Thanks for checking in with us, today.

I want to say a special thank you to all of our supporters out there. And if you would like to join them in supporting Renewed Heart Ministries’ work you can do so by going to renewedheartministries.com and clicking donate. 

My latest book Finding Jesus: A Fundamentalist Preacher Discovers the Socio-Political and Economic Teachings of the Gospels is available now on Amazon in paperback, Kindle and also on Audible in audio book format.

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You can watch our YouTube show each week called “Just Talking”. Each week, Todd Leonard and I take a moment to talk about the gospel lectionary reading for the upcoming weekend. We’ll be talking about each reading in the context of love, inclusion, and social justice. Our hope is that our talking will be just talking (as in justice) and that during our brief conversations each week you’ll be inspired to also do more than just talking. If you teach from the lectionary each week, or if you’re just looking for some thoughts on the Jesus story from a more progressive perspective within the context of social justice, check it out, you might like it. You can find JustTalking each week on YouTube at youtube.com/@herbandtoddjusttalking.

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Right where you are, keep living in love, choosing compassion, taking action, and working toward justice.

I love each of you dearly,

I’ll see you next week.

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New Episode of The Social Jesus Podcast

A podcast where we talk about the intersection of faith and social justice and what a first century, prophet of the poor from Galilee might have to offer us today in our work of love, compassion and justice. 

This week:

Season 2 Episode 36: Hating One’s Family

Luke 14:25-33

“Luke’s context is not choosing one’s religion or faith over loving and affirming a family member. The context is choosing justice and inclusion even when your privileged family rejects you for doing so. This passage is about times when standing up for those being rejected and shunned causes division from those who reject and shun others. Jesus often warned that discipleship would divide families (cf. Luke 12:49-59), not because of hatred, but because devotion to him and his vision of a just society could lead to social and relational conflict. The “hatred” that Jesus references is therefore symbolic: it represents willingness to forsake all for the sake of a more just, present world. Ultimately, the phrase challenges those on the side of justice to evaluate their priorities and confront the cost of true discipleship. It is not about rejecting family, but radically reordering love and loyalty and making justice, equity, compassion, and safety for all the supreme focus. In this light, this hyperbolic phrase becomes a powerful statement of commitment to a more just world in the face of potential rejection by a family upon whom our survival depends. It’s not a statement of cruelty or a call to reject family members if they don’t align with our religious beliefs. This difference may seem subtle, but it makes a world of difference in the work of justice.”

Available on all major podcast carriers and at:

https://the-social-jesus-podcast.simplecast.com/episodes/hating-ones-family

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Finding Jesus: A Fundamentalist Preacher Discovers the Socio-Political & Economic Teachings of the Gospels.

 

by Herb Montgomery

Available now on Amazon!

In Finding Jesus, author Herb Montgomery delves into the profound and often overlooked political dimensions of the gospels. Through meticulous analysis of biblical texts, historical context, and social discourse, this thought-provoking book unveils the gospels’ socio-political, economic teachings as rooted in a profound concern for justice, compassion, and the well-being of the marginalized. The book navigates the intersections between faith and societal justice, presenting a compelling argument for a more socially engaged and transformative Christianity.

Finding Jesus is not just a scholarly exploration; it is a call to action. It challenges readers to reevaluate their understanding of Christianity’s role in public life and to consider how the radical teachings of the gospels can inspire a renewed commitment to justice, equality, and compassion. This book is a must-read for those seeking a deeper understanding of the social implications of Christian faith and a blueprint for building a more just and inclusive society.

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